Infertility

INFERTILE
1. not fertile or productive: incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy

I thought with my fabulous ability to control my future,  getting pregnant would happen in a snap. God once again, had other plans. We spent four years trying, going to infertility doctors, getting painful fertility shots, insemination, and more. I became increasingly aware that I was the problem. My hormones were not right, my uterus lacked a lining, and my ovaries did not want to release the eggs. Had my years of abusing my body caused this? It probably was a contributor. My heart sank as I offered to divorce my husband, so that another woman could give him the child that he dreamed of. He thankfully declined!

During these years, one of my dearest friends got pregnant. She was afraid to tell me because of our unsuccessful tries. I was so happy for her, but so pained for us. Why was God blessing others and skipping over me? She was blessed to grow a baby. I was not. It is embarrassing for me that I actually cried my way through her baby shower. I look back and think how selfish I was. At the time, my emotions were so raw and hard to control. I hope that she understands and forgives me. Then another friend got pregnant and another.

Darrin and I had resigned ourselves to take a break. We were beaten and tired from the emotional roller coaster. If God did not bless us with our own child, we would adopt. I was actually at peace with this and looked forward to no more guilt. While you are trying to get pregnant, you get sick of so many people telling you to just relax and it will happen. Well, that is exactly what happened. I let go and let God! It was as if he were next to me saying, “Now is the time. You are ready for my special gift.”

I could not believe it. The pregnancy test showed two lines! Out of the hundreds, probably more like thousands, of dollars spent on pregnancy tests, I had never actually seen two lines! Instantly, I went to the store to buy a different brand of pregnancy test. Surely, this was a faulty brand. I took it to my parent’s house and promptly peed on it. It also said I was pregnant! Yippeee! The next step was to call my husband, who did not believe it either. He needed to see the pee sticks, then the blood test results, and finally an ultrasound. Men are so wrapped up in the factual aspect of things. My heart knew that God had finally blessed us.

We went through all of the doctor appointments and birthing classes. When asked about doing the genetic test for abnormalities or syndromes, I declined. My belief was that we went through so many challenges trying to get pregnant, surely God would give us a healthy baby. I ended up being wrong, but we would not have aborted anyway. My sister’s life was taken prematurely by cancer, and I could never take a child’s life because he or she was not perfect. It is rather ironic that I do not expect perfection from anyone but myself.

It was a few weeks from my due date, and some of my students had been out with the stomach flu. I was not immune to the virus and became very ill. It is difficult to run to the bathroom and actually vomit “in” the toilet with such a large belly. My respect goes out to those women who suffer morning sickness throughout their entire pregnancy. I went to the OB triage and was sent home to drink more fluids. That did not work, and I returned after losing six pounds. Finally, they admitted me for IV and potassium. My husband could not stay with me in the hospital, as he had been struck by the virus as well. It was a very scary night of blood tests, fetal heart rate monitoring, and being assessed every couple hours. The doctor released me the next day, thanks to the wonders of Zofran. It is a fabulous anti-nausea drug. I went home and awaited the arrival of my perfect daughter.

Lord, you knew the gift you were about to bring into our lives. You must have felt we were strong enough to handle a life with Piper. She was a long awaited miracle in a very painful, sandblasted life. Please help us to be the parents you desire.

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